I’m about to celebrate my second birthday as an orphan; a forty-something one, but an orphan nevertheless. I don’t feel quite old enough to be parent-less, so birthdays now tend to be a little bittersweet. My parents were pretty damn special. Not only did I love them, I actually really liked them. They were smart, funny, great company, and stylish, to boot. They brought a lot to the party.
I was just 21 when my mom passed away and the pain of it was truly surreal. She was a beautiful force of nature and we were very, very close--quite honestly, I don’t think it’s something you ever really recover from. To this day, I will see a mother and daughter who look as happy and close as my mom and I were, and my heart aches . The loss is enormous. Clearly the universe decided that our time together was more about quality than quantity. I take great solace in the strong relationship we had, but it makes the missing part that much harder. We never had our “grown up lady time,” and I so regret that now that I’m a woman with womanish questions.
Two years ago, I was in the room when my champ of a father died. He suffered a long, drawn out battle with Parkinson’s and now it was over. I was glad to have been with him until the end, as I hadn’t been there with my mom. I remember walking out of that hospital room and feeling stunned and completely untethered. The chord had been cut. The people who brought me into this world were now both officially gone and I felt cosmically f****d. Dad was my anchor, my connection to everything and the answerer of questions about my childhood, Duke Ellington songs, boxing rules, Harlem back-in-the-day stories, and life in general.
I’m a lucky girl. I thank my parents for filling my life with so much love that I can still feel it, almost touch it. That’s a pretty great birthday present.
A truly beautiful and touching piece - thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteSunday was the 26th anniversary of my father's passing. Your Mom departed only a month or two before. We shared the same professor - Marvin Franklyn and my conference was generally after yours. Your grace and elegance (which I lamely attempted to describe at Holly's Rock Wedding) dealing with what was to come for me was astonishing. Your children are so blessed. Your husband is fabulous as are you. With love Susi Nichol
ReplyDeleteSusi, thanks so much for writing and for your kind words. I know that we both understand the impact of loss. It's important to share our stories so that other can connect. I know that last Sunday was hard for you.
ReplyDeleteMuch love,
Suzanne
Not sure how I wound up here, but anytime there's mention of the loss of a parent, it catches my attention as my dear mother passed on December 11, 2010 and I couldn't help but chime in. We will always miss our parents and though I can get through most days pretty well, there are those times where waves of emotion overtake me and render me useless. But there's an overwhelming sense of warmth felt when those who knew her tell me, "Phil, you look/sound just like your mother," and for me, that's the ultimate compliment because it tells me her spirit truly lives on. Thank you for sharing your memories and I enjoy your writing style!
ReplyDeletePhil,
DeleteI am so sorry for your loss, thanks for writing. I'm glad that we can indeed keep their spirits alive. We were lucky to have had the mothers and fathers that we did, it's such a blessing.
Be well,
Suzanne
Really touched by this, and can identify with how you feel. I'm the last of seven children, so I was very attached to my parents. I did not grow up with my Mother because of her depression, and years of hospital care, but I loved her very much still. My father raised me, and my other siblings, until my older siblings became independent, and went on to live their own lives. My Dad was a great, funny, loving, hard working man, who like your Father shaped me culturally, educationally, morally, and in many other ways as your Father. My Mother as well, in her own way taught me about God, and compassion for others, and being kind and patient with others. So, for this I thank God for giving me the parents that he did.
ReplyDeleteThank you Suzzane for sharing your lovely tribute to your Mom and Dad. Stay strong, enjoy and love your family each day as much as your parents enjoyed having you in their lives. God bless you!
Kimcs,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for writing. Grief is such a universal language,and I really think that it's so therapeutic for us all to share our stories. It is healing and keeps the memories of our loved ones alive.
All the very best,
Suzanne